Worth It
by Michiru's Mirror
Summary: Dee ruminates on the many things about Ryo that drive him crazy...and how he's worth it anyway.


Disclaimer: Much to my dismay, Fake isn't mine.

Warnings: A bit of language and a few naughty thoughts from Dee—nothing serious.

Worth It

By Michiru's Mirror

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Dee cannot look at Ryo without feeling lust.

It's absolutely incredible to him. While Dee knows he's always been a man of rather strong passions (and proud of it—no Viagra for him, not even in his forties!), feeling at least a low level of arousal almost all the time is pretty much Ryo's fault. Bastard.

This has lead to some pretty incredible fantasies that he's fairly sure will never come true. Dee has never been into BDSM, and doesn't like the thought of humiliating or hurting Ryo, but he finds himself imagining a lot of situations where Ryo is helpless and begging. Dee loves the thought of driving him totally out of control, to the point where he has to have Dee and can't live another minute without his cock.

Sometimes, he thinks of torturing Ryo by chaining him up and using a sex toy on a low setting. Or maybe he'll sit back and tell Ryo to masturbate while he watches and waits for him to near his peak, before tying him up and taunting him for a long, long time…

There are different obstacles to making these dreams come true, unfortunately. One is their job, which often leaves them both too exhausted to even attempt_regular_ sex let alone the special kind that involves discussions, safety words, props and lots of time. Second is Ryo, who, while he's come to enjoy sex much more than he used to, is still not the horndog that his boyfriend is. And third is Dee's all-consuming lust, which unfortunately doesn't allow him to last as long as he'd like in bed sometimes.

Which pisses Dee off, because he's proud of not being a minute man, damn it. He had over a dozen very satisfied partners before Ryo who all commended him on his stamina…but something about Ryo just makes him feel like he's thirteen years old again, totally unable to control himself. With (lots and lots of) practice, he's managed to stabilize himself to an extent, but man…there are still some nights when Ryo is sitting on the edge of their bed, fresh from the shower with his pajama top half unbuttoned and his gorgeous hair hanging over those beautiful, dark eyes…

Dee never imagines himself as the one tied up and begging, and it's not because Ryo is usually the one on the bottom. Dee doesn't mind taking it occasionally, and Ryo is an exceptionally gentle lover who makes the experience relaxing, intimate and comfortable. No, Dee can't imagine himself begging for Ryo because he's already doing it on a daily basis. What the hell is the point of fantasizing something that he already does all the damn time, and that he doesn't enjoy?

Because there are other kinds of lust than the physical. Even now, some fifteen years after they've met, Dee feels such an all-consuming passion for Ryo that some days he wakes up and feels lost. There's some part of him that just wants to draw Ryo into himself and never let go.

And it makes him so fucking _angry_ when Ryo doubts it. Dee never forgot the one and only time he ever hit his boyfriend—the night that he'd found the murderer of his parents and, distraught, told Dee that he could "do whatever he wanted". Dee had almost gone through the roof. How could Ryo say that to him? How could he doubt that he meant everything to Dee, and that Dee would never, ever take advantage of him like that? What did he think, that because Dee liked sex he was going to ruin Ryo's trust in him for a quick fuck?

Now when he gets mad at Ryo he sticks his head in the freezer and takes deep breaths until he calms down. Dee knows he's ridiculously lucky that Ryo didn't dump him on the spot for smacking him back then, and Dee will bash his own brain in before doing it again. But he has to put his head in the freezer more than he'd like—Bikky was laughing at how blue his lips were just the other day—because it's as though Ryo just cannot understand how much Dee needs him.

And Dee knows why that is, too: Ryo doesn't need him back.

Oh, Ryo _loves_ him. Hell, Ryo probably loves him as much as he loves Ryo. When Dee wakes up from nightmares about Mother's body lying broken in the rubble of the orphanage where he grew up, Ryo holds him and comforts him and reminds him that the ol' penguin is still up and kicking. When they have conflicting plans Ryo will, often as not, make way for Dee's. When Dee is in trouble at work Ryo will work double time to cover for him and talk with Smith to clear things up. He makes time in his schedule for Dee, even at the cost of his own hobbies or work. Dee has no doubt that he is adored.

But love and need are two different things. Dee knows that if he died, Ryo would mourn. He'd probably have to rely on Bikky to take care of him for awhile, and it would be years before he'd even think of dating again. But he would date again, and he'd go back to work, and life would go on.

If Ryo died, Dee wouldn't survive. He knows it as plainly as he knows his own name.

And the thing is, this need isn't necessarily healthy; it's almost an obsession. Dee knew he was in trouble when Bikky's attitude towards him began to change. They had fought in Bikky's youth because Bikky needed Ryo too, and was frightened that Dee would take him away. Now Bikky is an adult with a wife and child and dozens of friends…and he looks at Dee with pity. Bikky moves aside and lets Dee spend more time with his father, because he knows Dee is desperate to have more of Ryo, while he no longer is.

It just hurts Dee's heart a bit to see Ryo and Bikky doing their usual father/son bonding routine, which usually involves cooking something with a ridiculous amount of onions in it for Cal, or watching bad comedy movies while making a running commentary as they go. It's painful to Dee to see that Ryo loves someone else as much as he loves him…which leads to more days of sticking his head in the freezer.

Ryo loves Dee, and is monogamous, and committed, but he doesn't belong to Dee and he never will. Sometimes that knowledge comes to Dee in a flash, and he gets so angry he starts slamming doors and storms from the house, leaving a bewildered boyfriend and a pitying son behind him.

And yet, sometimes Dee wonders if part of his obsession with Ryo isn't based partly on how distant he can be. Dee has had a few people give themselves to him wholeheartedly, like J.J., and he's never been interested in return. Is it the challenge that Ryo presents that makes Dee so needy?

Dee thinks that's pretty sick if it's true. He wonders what it says about him, that he can't love someone who loves him back in the same needy way. But maybe he has to be unsatisfied, because it keeps him moving; he'll never be the type to "settle down".

And yet, he's found the closest thing to satisfaction that his restless heart will allow. There are days when he gets home from work and sees that Ryo has made his favorite dinner, again, and bought him tickets to a Nicks game, and is ready to make love after they eat. On those days Dee feels so happy and content that he can't imagine what he was bitching about the other day when he felt the need to slam the front door as he walked out. Or sometimes Bikky will come over and tell them that Cal is pregnant _again_, and despite the fact that he's way too young to be a grandfather, Dee just can't stop grinning because it means more kids for him to spoil and introduce to Mother and teach how to pickpocket.

Dee will never be totally fulfilled, and he has come to terms with that completely. It's not anything Ryo is doing, but instead something inside of his own heart that just isn't built to accept perfection.

He has found love, and he has found happiness, and even if he's left begging for attention he'll never get, it will have to be enough.

Dee isn't sure if this is a happy ending or not, but it's the best he's going to get, and if anyone is worth this kind of aggravation, it's Ryo.

So Dee snuggles closer to Ryo in bed at night, and is gratified when Ryo yawns and buries his head in Dee's shoulder.

This is worth it after all.

A/N

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Anyone else think Dee is a little obsessed?  Actually, I was re-reading my Fake manga for the first time in about three years and realized how awesome this series is. Please review if you liked this, I'd love to hear all opinions, good or bad. 


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